Sketchbook pages 50-53

I've been doodling in my sketchbook!  Hooray!

1.   2.

3.

4.

1. Gesture sketches.  I referenced poses from a book about Bruce Lee called Bruce Lee; The Art of Expressing the Human Body.  The quote reads, "Knowing is not enough, we must apply.  Willing is not enough, we must do."

2. I read an article about Marilyn Manson's love and use of make-up and wanted to use some red and blue paint.

3. A collage; "Shamanism.  Explore. Learn. Discover.", "Impulse.  Mania.  beauty.  liven up.  day-night.  amazing.  choices."

4. An important reminder collage; "Wake-up call: The 'Not Good Enough' Trap.  Some of us are so used to feeling bad about ourselves, it's become normal.  We have to make a change now, to let go of the 'ideals' we've been taught to achieve, and to stop being ruled by fear.  Essentially, we are addicts, addicted to viewing ourselves in a negative way.  Basically, we're crippled by the fear of not being enough in general.  We have learned...to be afraid of being imperfect - and of being human. That's no way to live. It's tiring and uncomfortable and time-consuming.  We need to stop thinking of ourselves as insufficient, as not good enough.  Essentially, we are addicts, addicted to viewing ourselves in a negative way. A wise woman once told me you can't just stop thinking something, because that leaves a void; you have to replace the old thought pattern with a new, healthier one. What if we replaced our negativity with positivity, replaced the hate with love?  I look in the mirror everyday and say, 'I love you; you're beautiful.'  My mind didn't want to break the habit of hating myself. But the more I did it, the more natural it felt...until it eventually felt good.  I'm over feeling bad about myself."  "Be your beautiful you."  "Kick the habit."

Mighty Candy Need

This is my all-time favorite candy.  When I was little, my older half-brother and half-sister would bring this back for me from Sweden (along with salted black licorice mmm).  I haven't had it since I was, like, 7 or something crazy like that and I have been craving it for years and years!  Aside from it being brought back form Sweden, there used to be a German Deli called Heidi's in San Jose that we could get it from sometimes, too, but they are no longer in business. :(  Scouring the internet, I can't get this anywhere online!  Except from a Scandinavian goods online wholesaler called Swenz, who are based in New Zealand (they are like the only place online selling it aside form some British online store that definitely does not ship overseas).  I emailed them asking if they would sell and ship it to me here in California...I hope they get back to me...I plan to buy a whole butt-load of it if they say yes!  If not, I'm going to have to bother my half-sibling's Uncle (currently residing in Sweden) for some...I just want some goddamned candy, how hard can it beeee?!  STRUGGLES! >:0

A Blurb On Hearing Voices

This is my tear-jerker for the night.

"It is now clear to me that most mental illnesses can be regarded as tools of personal growth, magnifying our most deep rooted beliefs and fears similar to how the ‘common’ ego reflects our insecurities.  In both cases, we are being shown our self-sabotaging perceptions as an opportunity to re-empower ourselves to transcend them.

To everyone who has a mind and thoughts, this video of a woman describing her schizophrenia will re-empower you to observe your own mind with more compassion and understanding and to reclaim the driver’s seat of your life. If she can do it, we all can."

Read the article I quoted above here.

InterVoice --> the organization Eleanor Longden spoke about at the end of the TED Talk, is for anyone wanting to learn more about hearing voices, or even to find some peace of mind and support.  I know I did.

The following are two articles from InterVoice's website that particularly moved me:

Learning from Voices

Making Friends with Voices

Creepy!

I have a love of dark, creepy things.  My partner knows this.  My partner shows me this wallpaper this evening after supper:

Awesome!  Nice and creepy!  

But then I thought to myself, "I've seen that demon before!"  I promptly told my partner so and brought up a little drawing I did over four years ago now:

Uncanny!  

My only explanation is I tapped into the collective unconscious (what I can make out of the signature the painting was completed and signed in 2005; I have never seen this painting until today) and brought forth the similar rendering of this entity (both have a hooded-cloak-type-garb, mismatched eyes with one being shiny and the other being dull or missing, the uneven and sharp pointy teeth, the hunched back, the red tones in the skin).  

What's really creepy to me is that the drawing I made I made to represent a violent aspect of myself...

Which makes me think the painting from 2005 (I scoured for the artist and couldn't come up with anything definitive!?) is attempting to illustrate that human plight of balancing the light and dark aspects within one's self.  The "dark" aspect could either be taunting or cowering in its body language while the "light" aspect could either be seen as in a position of defeat or of rising up into its own power.  Beautiful.

'dat ol' disassociation...masquerade!

MASQUERADE!

...

LOOK AROUND THERE'S ANOTHER MASK BEHIND YOU

Crazy Comet Talk from Days Bygone

Does anyone remember one of my ancient blog posts back in 2011/early 2012 about the impending comet Elenin? No? I hardly did either until I found what was supposed to be a follow-up blog post to the post about my dream. Some interesting stuff...I was such a conspiracy theorist wanker (I guess I kinda still am, but I suppose I have toned it down some?). Anyways, behold my "research" (the unfinished document was last edited Sep. 5, 2011!):

Tacos

My partner and I make the best vegetarian tacos.  Tonight, we even made the guac and the salsa (or rather I did jaja)!  Tonight's tacos were the best they have ever been (perhaps it was the whiskey and coke...perhaps it was the psychedelic flashbacks...probably d, all of the above).  

In my world, every night is taco night.  

I would not be surprised if we made and ate tacos (or at least some kind of Mexican food) tomorrow night as well.

Fuck yeah, tacos.

Love

Slightly intoxicated

This is me right now

Self Annotating Placeholder

Wow, it's been awhile since I've even looked at this thing. Currently, I am in the midst of looking for new work, which keeps me occupied so unfortunately I have not been working on many of my projects. Except the writing. I've been writing like crazy. I probably have some bits of my stories that I can post here, without giving too much away. For now though, I'm content with this short message here. I'll get all my shit together soon.